Snow White: The Real Story
by FanFictionFantasy
Summary: A short spoof of Snow White that we needed to write for a homework assignment. Funny! Plz R & R! ONESHOT


A spoof of Snow White that I did for my English class, enjoy! Plz Review

**Disclaimer: Snow White and all Snow White characters are the legal property of Disney or whoever will sue me if I don't put this on here.**

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Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

"_The Real Story…"_

Once upon a time, in a land not so far away, there lived a particularly ugly queen who was very full of herself and spent her time killing people who were more beautiful than she (which was basically everybody). She was the queen of Surrey, but everybody was too embarrassed to call it that so they pretended that they lived in White Rock. The queen had a husband who died and she was left with her step-daughter, whose name was Bertha. But the queen, wanting to make Bertha's life really crappy, changed it to a really stupid name, hence Snow White or Snowy for short. The queen decided to make Snow's life even worse by forcing her to clean up everything in the castle; she got the idea from her cousin who happened to be Cinderella's evil step-mother. This was a horrible punishment for Snowy, mainly because she enjoyed loafing around and watching TV. She had to do awful things like unclogging the royal toilets or washing the royal panties. She also had to sweep the royal chimneys and clean up after the royal horses. So now you get the idea and we can move on to the real story…

The ugly queen was sitting atop her royal throne when she decided to pull out her magic cell phone. She dialed the magic numbers, and dialed the wrong number several times as she had a memory problem. Finally, when she got it right, she spoke into the phone 'Magic cell phone, at my ear, who is the fairest one that's here?'

The phone replied mystically 'A girl, skin as white as snow, hair as black as crows, bottom as big and round as'

'Quite enough!' barked the queen 'Where can I find this girl with skin as white as snow?'

'If you can't figure out that much,' said the Phone sounding quite annoyed ', then I give up.'

The queen grunted as she hung up the phone, and suddenly realized who it was. 'Bob!' she hollered.

Bob, her private assassin, sauntered absent-mindedly into the room. 'You bellowed, your majesty?' he asked. 'Yes, I shall need you to go to Snow White and drive her to the nearest sky train station. Tie her to the tracks and leave her there. Then, bring back what you can scrape off the tracks in this box.'

Bob hesitated, the said 'Yes, my queen. It will be done.'

Snowy was busy washing some clothes out in the courtyard when Bob came up to her.

He had no intention of killing her. Bob actually found Snowy quite attractive. He grabbed her shoulder. 'Quickly! You must leave here at once! The queen wants you dead! Go quickly, and don't look back!' he shouted.

Without thinking, Snowy ran off as fast as she could. 'What do I do?' she thought to herself. She couldn't take the bus because people who lived in Surr- I mean White Rock didn't know how to get off the busses. They would have to ride and ride until an out-of-towner helped them off. Snowy ran all the way to Bear Creek Forest. She continued running until she tripped on a log. After getting up, she sat down on the log. She looked around herself. She was lost. She burst into tears and began to cry. Suddenly, she heard ruffling in the trees. She looked up. 'Perhaps,' she thought ', it could be some cute little animals coming to help me.' She was a partially right. Animals had come, but not cute ones, and not to help her. Out of the trees came two mangy rabbits, three rabid raccoons, four coyotes (one carrying a dead possum), one mutated rat and a murder of crows and seagulls. They all ran at her and began harassing her. She began to run again. She ran as fast as possible, stray twigs and branches scratched her on the way.

She hid inside a cave. 'Oh, I wish I could find a better place to hide.' She thought aloud.

Suddenly, something began to glow deeper into the cave. It was coming closer and closer… then- 'Argh! Crap!' a tall blonde woman with wings wearing, a hot pink dress tripped over a rather large rock and hit her face on the ground. She was holding a magic wand with a "D" on the end of it. It was glowing. The woman got up. 'Oh! Why hello there!' she said loudly.

Snowy wished the woman hadn't spoken loudly, as the sickly animals were lurking nearby. 'Erm, who are you?' Snowy asked.

'Why, dear, I'm called D, I'm your fairy Dopmother- I mean godmother. You made a wish, and now I'm here.' Said the woman, even louder.

'My fairy godmother?' said Snowy bewilderedly.

'That's what I said.' Said D

'So…you grant me wishes?' asked Snowy.

'Well duh, what else am I paid to do?'

'You don't need to be rude, I was just asking.' Muttered Snowy.

'Anyways, what do you wish for?' D asked.

'Well you heard me, I asked for a place to lay low for a while.'

'Ah! I know just the place. Follow me.' Said D.

Snowy followed D out of the cave and through the woods. After a while, they came to a dumpy looking trailer that smelt like alcohol. 'Welcome!' said D.

'You want me to live here?' said Snowy disgustedly.

'Of course, what's wrong with it? Cable TV, a warm fire and a grill! What else can a girl on the run ask for?'

'Well I had hoped for something a little roomier.' Said Snowy.

Suddenly, they both heard a faint singing in the distance. It sounded like dwarfs. It went something like this… "Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, its home from work we go. Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, heigh-ho, heigh-ho!"

'Ah, that'll be them now.' Said D.

'Who sings a song about coming home from work? A bit cheesy, don't you think?' asked Snowy.

'Don't ask me, it wasn't my idea.' Said D 'Oh yes, I will need to…'

Snowy fell unconscious; D had hit her in the back of the head. D disappeared. Seven Dwarfs marched out of the bushes carrying hydroponic lights and bags of fertilizer. Suddenly, one of the Dwarfs yelled 'Hey look! There's a dead chick in the bushes!'

And the others shouted 'DINNER!'

They all charged towards her. When they got there, another Dwarf said solemnly 'Aw crap, she's alive, just unconscious.'

All the Dwarfs moaned. 'Hey, I got an idea! Lets bring her inside the trailer and if we're really nice to her, maybe she'll strip for us!'

All the Dwarfs cheered, picked her up and ran her inside.

Meanwhile, miles away, Bob was handing the queen the box. She opened it and plugged her nose 'Jesus! What did you do, rub her in manure first?' exclaimed the queen.

'That would be after-smell, your Royal Highness.' Said Bob as-a-matter-of-factly.

'But this is not Snow White,' drawled the queen ', _this_ is your mother-in-law.'

'What! How did you know?' said Bob.

'That does not matter! You have failed me! Now you shall forever burn in the fiery pits of Saskatchewan!' And with that, the queen pulled out a pistol and shot Bob in the head. Bob's body hit the ground with a sickening thump.

'Fool.' Said the queen.

Snowy woke up in a moldy, damp chair. 'She's awake!' shouted a voice.

'Take off your clothes!' shouted another.

'Shut-up you idiot, we have to be nice to her first.'

'Why, who are you all?' asked Snowy.

'Well, I'm Dick'

'I'm Happy.'

'I'm Lumpy'

'I'm Bashhead.'

'I'm Sleazy.'

Suddenly, one of them fell down on the floor. 'Oh, that's Sleepy and that stupid looking one over there is Dopey.'

'And Yoda, I am.' Said a little green man in the corner.

'Don't mind him; he's just crashing here for a while, he says some guys called "The Sith" are after him..' Said Happy.

'Oh, you're all so cute!' exclaimed Snowy.

'Will you take off your clothes now?' shouted Happy.

'Shut-up, pinhead, or she'll leave.' Whispered Dick.

'I'm a bit hungry, what've you got to eat?' asked Snowy.

'Many various types of junk food, there are.' Said Yoda.

'Oh! Junk food is my favorite!' shouted Snowy.

'Then let us feast!' shouted Dick.

And so, the seven Dwarfs, Yoda and Snowy all put together an enormous feast which included: chips, popcorn saturated in butter, more chips, chocolate bars, McDonalds French fries and Big Macs (Snowy's favorite), chocolate long johns, butter covered apples, roasted and salted nuts, Starbucks Coffee, even more chips and an enormous chocolate and salt cake. None of them spoke as they ate; they were all to busy watching Jerry Springer on the TV. After dinner, Lumpy had three heart attacks and Snow White had violent diarrhea. After all that was finished, the Dwarfs and Yoda slept on the floor whilst Snowy slept on the bed.

Miles away, the queen was plotting. She had brewed a potion. 'This potion,' she said to her invisible friend, Helen ', will turn me into an attractive fashion model.'

She drank the potion. There was a flash and then, the queen was a stick thin, over tanned, six foot tall, brunette fashion model. 'And this,' she said as she showed Helen another tiny bottle ', will poison this,' she pulled out a McDonalds Big Mac ', and put Snow White into an everlasting sleep.'

The queen (and Helen, in the queen's mind) laughed well into the night…

A week had passed. Each day, the Dwarfs would go to work, Snowy would sit around and watch TV, Yoda would use The Force to get the remote or fetch food for Snowy and D would clean all the dishes, mop the floors, scrub the bathtub, unclog the toilets and wash Snowy's panties, angrily muttering curses at Snowy every time she was ordered to do something. The Dwarfs would never tell Snowy what they did at work, but they would always bring Snowy gifts for being such a good guest. This made D very angry. One day, D came in while Snowy was watching Maury. 'That's it! I _quit_!' she spat.

And with that, she stormed out of the room. 'Turned to the Darkside has she.' Said Yoda gravely 'Finish her chores, you must, or evil shall prevail.'

Snowy groaned and got up. She spent her morning washing dishes, cleaning toilets, and all that other stuff I said she did at the beginning of the story. Yoda took up her post on the couch watching TV. While she was washing dishes, she saw a rather hot woman wandering outside. She went out to meet her. 'Pardon me miss,' said Snowy ', but you look lost, can I help you?'

'Oh, I'm not lost, but you see, I bought this Big Mac from McDonalds and, I'm a model you see, so I can't eat it, it'll just go straight to my thighs.' Said the woman.

'Well, I can eat it for you.' Said Snowy.

'Why, you would do that, for me?' asked the woman.

'Sure!' said Snow

'Well, here you are then.' Said the woman.

She handed it to Snow White. Meanwhile, inside, Yoda leapt up. 'I sense a great disturbance in the Force.' He said.

He ran outside. Snowy lay motionless on the ground. The model stood over her. Yoda drew his green lightsaber. 'An evil woman, you are.' He said.

The woman pulled out a red lightsaber. 'Why thank-you, at least someone appreciates it.'

With that, they began to fight; flashes of red and green were visible even from the Dwarfs' work. They all ran towards the trailer. Yoda knocked the woman down and with one final swing of his saber, he cut off her head. But it was too late. Snowy had eaten the burger. She was barely alive. Solemnly, the Dwarfs and Yoda put Snowy into a coffin and put it on a stump in the woods. Happy poured gasoline all over it. They were about to burn it, when a motorcycle roared into the woods and up to the coffin. Sitting on the hawg was an ugly, bearded man with big sunglasses and a leather vest bearing the name "Hell's Angels" on the back. He went over to Snow White and kissed her cold, icy lips. She woke-up. All the Dwarves cheered. The man picked her up. They were about to kiss again when sirens raged and about ten police cars roared out of nowhere. 'Stop! This is the police! Put your hands where we can see them!'

In the end, the Dwarves were sent to prison for running a Marijuana grow-op. Snowy and Warren, the man who saved her, who also happened to be the big Kahuna of the Hell's Angels got married, D became a math teacher at a high school in a far away land called Tsawwassen and Yoda returned to his home, Degobah, and taught Luke Skywalker how to use the Force, but that's another story. After that, George Lucas and Disney sued us for copy write and plagiarism and our people went broke. So now you know the true story of Snow White.


End file.
